Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Day 61

Two Months!! Well it has been quite a journey so far. I have been so busy with my extra duty this last week I just haven't had the energy to post. But I figured it was about time. There really isn't much to talk about, just work and sleep. Although on the weekends I do get some free time to myself. My girlfriend came out this last weekend again. So that was nice to have some company. She brought her pet pit bull Roxy along this time. Probably the most spoiled puss of a pit bull you have ever seen. I think it is so sad that what was once considered the ultimate family dog during the early part of last century, has denigrated to such a hated animal. Ever seen the original Little Rascals? Their dog was a pit bull. Can you guess that I am an animal lover, no matter what family or genus? Anyway, I have one more month of extra duty, this first two weeks have gone by relatively fast, I can only hope that the next four do as well. I almost forgot, this Thurs I have to go see a counselor, to be evaluated, in order to see how long my substance abuse program is going to be. From what I have been told it could be anywhere from 20 something to 90 something sessions long, depending on your level of dependence. It is group sessions, so I will find out what it all entails soon enough. Luckily the sessions are during the week and they are at a civilian mental health hospital, so it will get me off base and out of alot of extra duty time. Got to look for the silver lining in everything, right? Hopefully I will get alot out of the meetings as well. Well back to work. I hope you all have a great day. Take Care.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Day 53/40 to go

The title of my post denotes how many days sober and how many day of extra duty I have left. I don't know if it will make it go by slower or not, but what the hell, I'll give it a shot. My first five days went by pretty fast. Luckily I only work Mon-Thurs, so I am not required to work as many hours on the weekend. And since I am done whenever my tasks are completed, not at a specific time, I have not been required to work the full hours yet. Which has been nice. Especially because my girlfriend spent the weekend with me. So it gave me a few extra hours to spend with her. She has also been really supportive through this, which has made it a lot easier to deal with it, and it's nice to have someone to spend time with after I am done with my extra duty. Unfortunately she will be going to the Cayman Islands, with a few of her friends for a week and a half, in about a week and a half, so this weekend will be the last time I see her for a few weeks. Oh well, as soon as this little chapter of my life is over, me and her are going to get the hell out of Dodge for a weekend. Someplace where there is no chance I will see anyone I know and someplace where I will not have any chance of seeing an Army uniform. I think I will just need to decompress and get away from it all. I will have earned it, and it gives me something to look forward too. Also as soon as this is over I am going to go to an AA meeting and collect my 60 and 90 day chips at the same time. Since I am not allowed to leave base to go to a meeting. I am still in constant contact with my sponsor, though. Anyway, time to go to lunch. I hope you all had a safe and sober weekend. Take Care.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Day 50

Well its the big 5-0. I am looking forward to 60. It should go by pretty fast, because I am going to be on the go for the next 42 days. That is how many days of extra duty I have left. I am on lunch so I have to make this brief. My new Sergent is in charge of my extra duty, and let me tell you, he may have saved my ass with the Colonel, as I said in my previous post, but it hasn't come without it's price. He is going to keep me busy. Today I had to pick up trash around post and this afternoon I am cleaning out the bookshelves at the library. At least its inside. I will gladly do anything this man asks of me. He even told me something else this morning that just reinforced the fact that this man was an answer to prayer. He told me that he went to talk with the post Sergent Major, the same one that treated me like crap and really wanted to kick me out of the Army, and he reiterated his opinion to my Sergent. He even told him that he was going to call my Command Sergent Major and try to talk him into putting in the paperwork to get me out. He really has it out for me. But my Sergent said that he would talk to him and tell him that he would put in his retirement papers or ask for reassignment if that were to happen. Basically he is willing to put his career on the line to protect me. And he told me that I don't have anything to fear from him. You couldn't ask for a better Sergent. And as far as the Post Sergent Major is concerned I have decided to make it my mission to do everything I can to change his opinion of me, and for him to see that I do deserve to remain in the Army. I can't guarantee that I will be successful. All I can do is try. Well back to work. I hope you all have a happy sober day. Take Care.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Day 49

I know it has been almost a week since I last posted and quite a bit has happened. I went to Ft Carson on Monday, because that is the hospital that my clinic is attached to, to receive my punishment. I was told that I was going to arrive on Monday and then Tuesday I would see the Colonel and then head home on Wed. So, I arrived on Monday night and got put up in a room and told to meet with my company commander at 8 the next morning. The next morning I actually met with my First Sergent, and he read what I was accused of and then told me I had to head over to JAG later that day. After going to JAG, where they make you watch a video informing you of your rights, I was released for the day and told that I would meet with the Colonel on Wed instead of Tuesday. Yet another night of very little sleep stressing out about what was going to happen.

On a side note, when I went to JAG there were about 30 other soldiers there to see the same video. It is just funny how many other people were in trouble just like me. And it may sound messed up to say this, but I was oddly comforted by it. The only way I can describe how I felt is to compare it to the way I felt the first time I walked into an AA meeting. What I mean is, that I felt like I wasn't alone. Even though it sucks to have to be there it is comforting to know that there are others that are in a similar situation. That even though we were not there for the same offences, we were facing the same consequences, going through the same trials and tribulations. And even though I didn't talk to any of them I felt comfortable around them. Weird, I know. And let me clarify one thing, I am not saying that going to AA meetings suck, far from it, but I know I think and probably alot of other alcoholics think, that given a choice it would be great to have never had to step foot into an AA meeting. That we could drink like normal people. That there was nothing wrong with us. Anyway, back to what happened.

After a long sleepless night, I went to see the Colonel. Now in an Article 15 hearing your Commander is your judge, jury and executioner. So you are leaving everything up to them, unless you demand trial by court-martial, where if found guilty you are subject to harsher punishment and it will go on your permanent federal record as being convicted of a crime. Where as, if you just do a Article 15, you are technically never convicted of a crime. Which is why it is called Non-Judicial punishment. So in my case where I was obviously guilty, there is no point in demanding trial by court-martial. However, when you go to see your commander one of the rights you do have is to have people speak on your behalf, kind of like character witnesses. These people are usually from your chain of command, people you work with, people who will tell your commander what kind of a person you are. I was not given this option. The reason for this was because the Army didn't want to pay to fly any of them out to Carson, even though it is my right to have them there. Needless to say this was a major concern of mine.

I get to the Colonel's office at 830am, but she is running late so I am told to wait. While I 'm waiting a Sergent First Class comes up to me and introduces himself. Turns out he is going to be my new boss, and he just happened to be there inprocessing into the unit. He then tells me that he had heard of my situation and that he had talked to a few people and that everything he had heard was positive. He also wanted to assure me that he would not judge me according to my current situation and that he will treat me with respect unless I do something to make him lose it. You have no I idea how it felt to hear him say those words. You see, I knew that he was due to arrive sometime in the near future and I was really nervous how he would treat me. Because everyone knows that first impressions mean everything. Anyway I digress. So, after we speak for a few minutes I tell him about my concerns about not having anyone to speak for me and he said that since he was there, he would. I had just prayed earlier that morning, and I was beginning to think that maybe this man was the answer to that prayer.

After waiting awhile I was finally brought into the Colonel's office. Talk about walking into an intimidating room. There was the Colonel sitting behind her desk, a Lieutenant Colonel standing behind her, a Command Sergent Major to my right, two Captains and my First Sergent behind me, and my Sergent First Class to my left. I was surrounded by about 150 years of military service. I was nervous and just wanted it over with. The Colonel then read the charges and asked if there was any evidence I would like to present, so I gave her a letter that my sponsor had written about my progress in AA, and then I proceeded to tell her about everything that I have been doing and basically begged for mercy and another chance to fulfill my commitment to the Army with honor. Because kicking me out was definitely on the table. Then she asked my Sergent if there was anything he would like to say. And he proceeded to say how he had just met me 45 minutes prior, but that he had heard good things about me, and even though he does not condone my actions, he thinks that it would even be worse for the Army to just kick me out and have done with me. He went on to say that he viewed me as a fallen soldier in need of help and that it was up to them to help me, not abandon me. When he was finished, the Colonel turned to me and said "You have no idea what he just did for you.". It was then that I lost control of my emotions, and tears started to stream down my face, because when the Colonel said those words, I knew exactly what he had done for me. It was also the first time that I believe I actually saw the answer to prayer. So let me just say that I am still a soldier. But that doesn't mean I got off scott free.

I was demoted and I was given 45 days of extra duty, but they didn't take any money. Now that doesn't mean I am not losing money, because I was demoted that also means a cut in pay, but I will get my rank back in a few months and money is just money. I will do my extra duty happily knowing that I am still a soldier and I will finish my commitment and get out with honor in a couple of years, and then I will begin my new life and go back to school and work toward my masters and hopefully one day a PhD. Who knows? All I know is that it is true what they say that this to shall pass. And now I will continue to take it one day at a time. I will have one eye on the past so that I will never forget, and one eye on the future so that I can see my goals and work toward them. But never both eyes on the past because I would be consumed by it, and never both eyes on the future because then I might forget the past and become complacent and repeat my past mistakes. One back. One forward.

I hope you all have a happy and sober day. Take Care.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Day 43

I am off to Salt Lake for the weekend. This will be my last weekend of freedom for a while so I am going to enjoy it. I am finally going to Ft Carson, on Monday, to officially receive my punishment. I did get preliminary word that I will only be getting a Article 15 and not getting kicked out of the Army, which is definitely good news, but nothing is set in stone yet so I will just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. As a result of the article 15 I will lose some rank, one months pay and 45 days of extra duty and 45 days of restriction. Which means I will be working up to 16 hours a day for the next 45 days and I can't leave base for the same amount of time. Oh well, at least I will be sleeping in my own bed every night. In fact, I think that I am probably going to get off lite considering how drunk I was when I got behind the wheel and given the potential for me hurting someone as a result. Either way I am just glad that the waiting is finally going to be over. Well I hope all of you out there have a great weekend. Take Care.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Day 40

Day 40!! I can't believe it. This is officially the longest I have gone without drinking since basic training. And when I reach 3 months, I will have gone the longest without a drink since my heavy drinking career began back in college. And I feel great.

Yesterday I was coming back to base, and since I am no longer allowed to drive on base anymore, I had arranged to have my NCO, or boss to you civilians out there, to pick me up at the gate and drive my car back to my apartment. Well, one little problem, he didn't answer his phone. So I am parked outside the gate calling everybody I work with to see if they could help me out. Finally I found someone and I got home without incident. This all happened around 6pm, then around 10pm my NCO finally called back to apologize and see if I had gotten home alright. I told him I had and asked what had happened, he said that he had gotten so drunk the night before that he hadn't gone to sleep till 8am, and that he was completely passed out and hungover when I had called. Oh how I miss those days of feeling like shit and completely shirking my obligations and letting people down when they needed my help, all because I felt like getting f***ed up. I wasn't mad or anything, it just got me thinking about how that used to be me. But other than that my weekend was great.

I went out to Salt Lake on Thursday after work and went to a 7pm meeting. My sponsor couldn't make it so I just went by my lonesome. Funny thing was I accidentally went into the wrong meeting. It turned out to be a meeting about the 12 steps. I'm sure that it has an official name but I am still learning the terminology, so please forgive my ignorance, but it was focusing on the 11th step and I decided to stay and see what it was all about. It turned out to be pretty cool, now I just went over the 1st step with my sponsor, so I didn't know what the 11th was all about. Anyway, we all took turns reading from a book that I hadn't seen before about the 12 steps and then talked about it afterward. Or I guess I should say that they talked and I listened, but all in all it was an interesting and informative lesson. Then after the meeting I went over to my girlfriend's house and just hung out. Then on Friday we went to see the new Indiana Jones flick. It was pretty good, but definitely not as good as the first three. After the movie we met up with her friends and decided to give camping a shot, even though the weather looked iffy.

Now I feel like I need to say something here. I have been making a conscience effort to change the way that I act recently. I am trying to change everything that I perceive to be negative about me, a personality makeover if you will. In the past I was a very selfish individual, I think that is an aspect that most alcoholics share, and I am trying very hard to think about everybody else's feelings before my own.

I remember one time about 7 years ago when I went to Disneyland with my family. This was the first time that my little sister, who was 4 at the time, had ever gone. Now I had been there many times before and me and long lines don't mix, so I proceeded to be a complete a-hole and complain about everything and basically ruin the entire day because of my selfishness. So, when it came to camping this weekend, a trip that I really didn't want to go on, for one; because of the weather, and for two; because the other people there were going to be drinking, I just kept my mouth shut put a smile on my face and went. And you know what? The weather was beautiful, if a little cold, and the drinking wasn't an issue and I ended up having a good time. Crazy isn't it?

Another thing I have been trying to change is my pessimistic attitude that I have always had. I always look for and expect the worst to happen and I think that I have made myself and the people around me miserable as a result. This came into play this weekend too.

My girlfriend invited me over to her older sister's house to watch National Treasure 2, with her husband and 2 kids and her parents. And of course, I thought that it was going to suck and be boring, but I kept my mouth shut and went anyway. And guess what? Yep, I had a great time. We watched the movie and then my girlfriend's younger nephews took out their Nintendo Wii. I am not into video games at all, but I have never played the Wii, so I gave it a shot. And let me tell you, now I understand why it is so popular, the Wii is alot of fun. So all in all, I had a great weekend, and I didn't have one drink. Although the true test of my sobriety will be my girlfriend's birthday party next sat. There is going to be alot of drinking going on, and my girlfriend who doesn't normally drink will be that night. So wish me luck. I hope all of you had a great sober weekend as well. And thanks for the comments and the heads up about MICKY. I hope I never hear from him again. And I hope, that even though he may hate AA, that he is sober as well. Take Care.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Day 35

Well the weather is still horrible so it looks like camping is definitely not in the cards. Oh well, I guess I will just have to go see the New Indiana Jones movie. I absolutely loved all the other ones, so I hope this one lives up to my expectations. Also, if anybody read yesterdays post I just want to apologize for my little rant. I was just in a bad mood and let my feelings get a little out of control. Speaking of my post yesterday, I got a nasty comment from some guy named MICKY. Have any of you gotten one from him too? It seemed like it was canned, like he just cut and pasted it, and it was all about how he thinks that AA is a product of Satan and how it is brainwashing people. Does this type of thing happen alot in blog land? I just thought that it was completely inappropriate, so of course I didn't publish it, but whatever, I guess there are crazy people everywhere. So far my blogging experience has been entirely positive, and I guess it couldn't last forever. If I choose to use AA as my way of combating my alcoholism then it is my decision. I am not being brainwashed into it. And if sometime in the future I find that it doesn't agree with me then let me come to my own conclusions, don't come at me like some virtual Jehovah's witness, knocking on my door when you know that I don't want to hear anything you have to say. OK, MICKY? Leave me alone and don't send my anymore of your negative and hateful comments!!

Now that that is over with, I hope that all of you happy and positive people out there enjoy your brainwashing and have a safe and sober weekend as a result. I will see you all on Tuesday. Take Care.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Day 34

The weather where I live is crazy. Yesterday it was in the high 80's and sunny. Today it is in the 40's, windy and raining. I swear I have never lived anyplace where the weather is so unpredictable. What really sucks is that I was supposed to go camping this weekend, but the bad weather is supposed to continue for the next week, so that trip is up in the air. Oh well, at least it's not snowing. Anyway except for the weather it is just another sober day for me. I talked to my sponsor yesterday and we are going to try to get together for a meeting either on Thursday or Friday, depending on our schedules. I would like to go to the same one that I went to last Friday, but we'll see. Also tonight is my volleyball championship game. It could actually be two if we lose the first game, because it is a double elimination tournament, and we are the only team that hasn't lost a game yet.

Also it is Memorial Day weekend coming up, and what is so ironic, is that I am in the Army and I don't feel patriotic at all. I tell everybody that I joined the army, at 26 years old, because I wanted to do my part. But through this time of new self discovery and finally being brutally honest with myself, I realize that that is a absolute total lie.

I joined the Army because my life of drinking and partying had left me with no viable job skills or prospects, not to mention the huge amount of student loan debt that I had accrued. And because I thought that it was the only thing that I could do that would win my father's approval. And that maybe for once in my life my Dad would be proud of me. And so when I went to talk to the recruiter he said that they could offer me a $10,000 signing bonus and pay off my student loans which amounted to $33,000. So I signed with no hesitation.

Now don't get me wrong, when I say that I don't feel patriotic, I only mean that I don't feel that way right now. I love my country. The things I have done and seen, be it here in the states or in Germany, where I helped unload 2-3 bus loads of wounded soldiers that were arriving EVERYDAY, or in Afghanistan, have made me very proud to be an American soldier. And I don't regret joining the Army at all. It has taught me a great many things as far as discipline and responsibility. But when it comes to everyday life in the Army, life can really suck. Every aspect of your life is not your own. Do you know what the term GI means? It means Government Issue, meaning you are property of the US government. For example, one of my SGTs came into work today, on his day off, and caught one guy I work with watching a movie at his desk, so he brought all of us into the conference room and proceeded to chew us all out. Now I know that he shouldn't be watching movies at work, but you don't understand how slow it is at this clinic. We may get five patients a day. There is usually nothing to do. Why do you think I am able to blog at work. But this SFC, who is about to retire and disappears almost everyday for hours at a time, is going to chew everybody out for slacking off at work when he is the biggest offender? What ever happened to leading from the front. It would be different if leadership like this doesn't happen that often, but every duty station I have been to there are always people like this. And just because of their rank you have do do whatever they say, no matter how much of a douchebag they are. I mean I can't even go outside of a 250 mile radius on a weekend without filling out a form and asking permission from my Colonel. I could go on and on, but I think I am starting to sound like an jerk right now so I guess I should probably shut up. I know people will probably read this and think that I knew what I was getting into, so shut up and deal with it. And I totally agree, but these feeling have been building up, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about my personal feelings, so I write it here in my blog. These are MY feelings and if this is how I choose to deal with them then that is also My business. Sorry if there are an veterans out there that I might have offended. Maybe I am just feeling this way because there is a good chance that the Army will be kicking me out. And by feeling this way maybe it will make it easier if they do. I don't know, I am not a psychologist, but it makes sense I guess.

I just wish that I wasn't in this situation. I wish that I hadn't been so drunk that I don't even remember getting into my car. I wish that I hadn't pissed away the last 10 years of my life. I wish that I never took that first drink at 14 years old. I wish that I could win the lottery. But no matter how much I wish none of those will ever come true. Although you never know, I could win the lottery. But there is no point in wishing for what might have been. All I can wish for is that I lead a happy and productive life from here on out, and there is really no point in wishing for it, I just have to make it happen, and be thankful that I am sober today. I wish all of you out there a happy sober day as well. Take Care.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Day 32

I hope everybody had great sober weekend. I know I did.

So, I went to a meeting on Fri with my sponsor, and I really enjoyed myself. It was a much larger and more diverse meeting. A couple of people that spoke were really funny and inspiring, so I guess you all were right about not every meeting being depressing. In Fact, I think that I will try to go to that meeting whenever I get the chance. I also collected my 30 day chip, which was pretty cool. Then we went out to lunch after the meeting and worked on Step 1. Which was nice, although I could tell people sitting next to us could hear what we were talking about, because they kept giving us these sidelong glances, but I didn't care. After that I went over to my girlfriend's house and we just relaxed.

Then on Sat we went to go see the new Narnia movie. It was really good by the way. I read all the books when I was a kid, and even though I don't remember what happened in them I know I enjoyed them quite a bit, and the movie kind of brought some of those memories back. Then we went out bowling that night with her sister and brother-in-law and their son and a couple of their friends. It was funny too, because every time I have ever gone bowling in the past I have always drank, the two went hand-in-hand. So it was nice to not do it this time, and even though her sisters friends were drinking I didn't feel any pressure to join them. Then on Sun, me and a few other soldiers I work with were voluntold to perform a flag ceremony for a local event in town. Not how I would have liked to spend my Sun but at least we got a free lunch out of it. Needless to say my weekend went by kind of fast, but at least I remember everything I did. Have a great sober day. Take Care.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Day 29

Well I am off to a meeting with my sponsor where I am going to collect my 30 day chip. I know it is a day early, but I won't be able to go to a meeting tomorrow. Then we are going to go out to lunch where we are going to go over step one. I wrote down an inventory of my drinking and it really amazes me just how much alcohol I have drank through the years and how I really didn't seem to have any control of my drinking or how I just didn't have any desire to change. I guess I just had to truly hit bottom before I could open my eyes. Then I am going to hang out with my girlfriend for the rest of the weekend. We are going to go miniature golfing with her sister and husband and their son and just generally do sober stuff. On a weekend. Can you believe it?!! Normally I would only be looking forward to the bars. Anyway I hope you all have a safe and sober weekend. Take Care.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Day 27

Just three more days!!

Anyway, I am feeling a little better today. Still no word from my command, the waiting is killing me. Although lately I have been feeling like maybe it will be better if they just kicked me out of the Army. Then I can just move to Sacramento and be close to my family and go back to school and continue to progress in my new life. Although then the cat will be out of the bag about my alcoholism. Can't exactly hide getting booted from the military, and then of course it will follow me for the rest of my life. Fortunatly both my DUI's happened on a military post, so they shouldn't affect my insurance, because I will have not been officially convicted of a crime. At least that is what happened with my first one, because we are punished under Article 15, non-judical punishment. Of course my first one happened in Germany, so maybe that had something to do with it. Who know's. Well, I am going to take advantage of my time while I can.

Friday, I am going to go to a meeting in Salt Lake with my sponsor and collect my 30 day chip. It will really only be day 29, but I won't be able to make it to a meeting on Sat, and I want that chip. This has been the longest I have gone without a drink since Afghanistan, and the longest I have gone with out a smoke and a drink since Basic Training. Then after the meeting we are going to go out to lunch and go over my !st step assignment that he has me writing. Taking an inventory of my drinking over the years. It should be quite eye opening I'm sure. Then I will be spending the rest of the weekend with my girlfriend. We are going to go miniature golfing and maybe see a movie and do sober stuff. Thank god she doesnt really ever drink. One of the advantages of dating someone that lives in Utah. I haven't told her about AA yet but I think that when I do she will be supportive. Anyway, almost time to leave work. I got a volleyball game tonight, so wish me luck. I am only one of two people on our team that is any good, so you never know what might happen. I hope you had a sober day. Take Care.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Day 26

Today is a beautiful day, as far as the weather goes, which is rare where I live. I wish that I could say that I feel like it is a beautiful day. Yesterday I received my letter from the Colonel of my base taking away my on base driving privileges, which is something that I was expecting, but is also going to be a great inconvenience. On post isn't so bad. I can walk everywhere. The reason that it is going to be so inconvenient is because I live 50 miles from the nearest town and nearest AA meeting, and about 100 miles from where my girlfriend lives, and so I am either going to have to get two people to help me out by one driving my car out the gate and someone following to give that person a ride back in. Or, I am going to have to park my car outside the gate and have someone just give me a ride to my car. Now the second choice doesn't seem so bad until you factor in that my car is brand new, as in 2008 brand new, and I payed cash for it. It's mine. And then you have to factor in the weather. I live in the high desert of Utah. As in 4500 feet altitude desert. The winters suck, and the summers aren't a whole lot better, what with regular 50 mph surface winds and dirt and debris, that can scour the paint off of cars. So because of this I went to ask the Colonel if I could have restricted driving privileges, which is my right, in order to attend to the meetings and other work related driving. However, when I went to speak with him I ran into the Installation Sergeant Major.


Now, I know the SGM, we have even had quite a few drinks together. He is a good old boy from Alabama, he loves his NASCAR and Bud lite, and he was the last person I thought would treat me the way that he did yesterday.


He pulled me into his office along with my NCO and proceeded to to rip me a new one. He didn't yell. He didn't have to. First, he outright denied my request, before I even said a word. Then he asked me what the hell I was thinking. So, I told him that I honestly don't remember what I was thinking, I don't remember leaving the bar or getting into my car. The only dim recollections I have of that night were seeing lights in my rear view mirror and my NCO picking me up from jail. Everything else, complete black out. And then I told him that this was what scared the crap out of me and made me finally realize that I have a problem and that I really need help. And that I am actively seeking that help, by writing in this blog and AA and speaking with my sponsor on almost a daily basis. I am saying all of this with tears running down my face but still trying to keep my military bearing. And it was then that I encountered my first, and I sure it won't be my last, aspect of discrimination(maybe that is too strong of a word, but it is how I felt), or stigma associated with being an admitted alcoholic.


He looked at me and said that years ago his best friend died because of a drunk driver, and I totally understand, I can just imagine what it must feel like. And that even though he thought it was good that I admitted I have a problem, if it were up to him he would kick me out of the Army in a heart beat. Never mind the fact that I have never received any treatment in the past and that I am actively seeking help now. He would rather just have done with me instead of trying to help. Never mind the fact that he drinks all the time and even though he is married with kids, they live back home in Alabama, he is constantly hitting on women, be they married or single. And he wants to pass judgement on me. I have never had someone look and talk to me like that before. He made me feel like an absolute piece of s#!%. He just couldn't understand how I could have made the same mistake twice. But I guess if you are not afflicted with this disease, you just can't understand it's hold over you.

And so for the rest of the day and into this morning I felt like crap. Then when I was in the shower this morning I was thinking about it again, and I don't know why but a thought popped into my head....I don't remember the last time I prayed. So for some reason, I got down on my knees,(in the shower!!)and prayed. I asked for help and guidance in all of the things that I am going through. And afterward, I felt like this weight just lifted off my shoulders. I realized that I can't control what is going to happen to me, so it is pointless to stress over it. All I can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst, and have faith that no matter what happens at least I am sober and moving forward.

In closing I want to again thank all of you who have given me encouragement. In one of my previous posts I complained about how the meetings I have gone to have been depressing. So, today I was looking up stories about recovery, and I came across the story of George Moorman, who received his Doctorate from the University of Kentucky. If you are reading this you should check out his story. Take Care and have a great sober day.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Day 25

Well, it has been almost a month, and I can't wait to have my first birthday later this week. Last week as really busy at work and I played alot of volleyball and I took advantage of the nice weather and did a little bit of golfing. Then this weekend my girlfriend came over and we just hung out and watched movies and the NBA playoffs. So, needless to say, that is why I haven't posted in a week. But here I am and I am happy to report that I am still sober, and the most interesting thing is I still haven't had a cigarette yet either. I think I have finally broken that habit as well. In fact, I work with a smoker and when he comes in from his smoke breaks, the smell is horrible. And then I realize that I used to smell the same way, and now I understand how all the other non-smokers feel about it. It really does amaze me how easy it has been to quit, without a drink in my hand it just isn't the same. And I now realize that alcohol wasn't just destroying my life, but with the combination of smoking and the drinking it was destroying my body as well. And the fact that I work in the medical field and I have been turning a blind eye to my own health is just a testament to the power that this disease has had over me all these years. In fact, this really hit home yesterday, because a guy that I work with had a heart attack.

First of all this guy is a couple of years younger than me, and he is Mormon so he has never had a drink or a smoke in his entire life. Now granted, he isn't in the best shape, but neither am I and I have been smoking and drinking for over ten years. So if he could have a heart attack, what are the chances of me having one? Pretty high I bet. Just another reason that I am happy that this whole situation has happened to me, hopefully by me quitting I have added a bunch of years to my life. Now lets just hope that I do something meaningful with what I have left.

I was watching a movie this weekend and there was a funeral scene and there were all these people saying things and reminiscing about the person that passed and you could tell that the person was a really great individual and he had left a great legacy behind. And as I was watching it, I remembered other movies where the person died and there was only one person there, or none at all. And I began to wonder, if I were to die today, which funeral would mine look like? I know that it is a bit morbid, but when I did an honest inventory of my life, I really think that my funeral would more resemble the second one I described. I mean I know that my immediate family would be there and possibly my two best friends, but probably no one else. And I thought that that is not the legacy that I want to leave behind. I would like to be remembered. And now that I have finally lifted out of the fog of Alcoholism I am determined to make something of myself and hopefully I will be a positive influence on other people. Even if it is only one person. I just want my life to mean something. And with the help of others, be they from AA or family or all of you reading this, hopefully I can attain some of the dreams and aspirations that I have for myself, and not descend back into the fog. Because I know that it is a road best not travelled alone because eventually I will need someone to help out with the driving.

Well, I need to get back to work now. I hope all of you had a great sober weekend. Take care.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Day 18

Well two weeks has come and gone, I can't wait to see one month. I had company all weekend so I didn't get a chance to post at all, but here I am. It was a nice relaxing weekend, my girlfriend came out and we just hung out and watched a bunch of movies. Although I did go to my second meeting on Friday, and except for two guys, it was a completely different group of people. There were a few birthdays, two had their 6 month and one had their 18 month birthday, which was good to see. But I do have one thing to say. Are all AA meetings so depressing? I mean I understand that everybody has gone through trials and tribulations in order to reach a place to go to AA, but I would like to hear some stories of triumph, you know, some uplifting stories. Maybe I am out of line, but hopefully I will hear something that gives me hope the next time I go. I have been reading the Big Book, and so far it is a very interesting read, I hope to gain as much as I can from it.

I still haven't gotten any word as to when I am going to be officially punished for my DUI, I am hoping it will be this week so I can just get it over with. The most they can give me is 45 days of extra duty, so the sooner the better, because I was planning on visiting my family for the 4th of July. Which brings me to another point, all these past years of partying and drinking, I have always wanted to move to San Diego. I have always said that because of the weather and the fact that it is a beautiful place to live, both of which are true, but the real reason is because my two best friends live there and it would be so much fun to be able to party with them all the time. However, now my priorities have changed. I am sick of always moving and always being so far away from family. I hate the fact that I am not able to watch my little 10 year old sister grow up. I want to be able to meet up with my other sister for dinner on a moments notice. I hate spending holidays by myself. It is amazing how I was more interested in spending time drinking with friends then being with my family, how alcohol made me totally lose sight of everything that truly matters in my life. No More!

I know that my father will not be happy that I want to get out of the military when my commitment is up, but I think he will understand. Even though I have screwed up because of my drinking, it doesn't change the fact that I still served my country and I am a good soldier. I think anybody that I have served with would agree with me. The Army has taught me a great many things; discipline, how to be on time, respect, physical fitness, and many other things, however they didn't teach me how to deal with this demon of alcoholism. Don't get me wrong, the military preaches against the dangers of alcohol, but it is still part of the lifestyle among the soldiers. It is very much a way of life. In fact my NCO even invited me over to his house on Friday for poker night, knowing that I just had a DUI, and when I said no because they were going to be drinking and smoking, he didn't understand why I couldn't go and just not partake. So I tried to explain to him that just by being around it is too much of a temptation for me right now. Hopefully one day I will be able to be around alcohol and it not be an issue, but it is just too soon for me now. And so, if I were to stay in, everyplace that I move to in the future I will have to deal with that. But if I am living near my family I will have a solid support group by my side. On the other hand, the military offers a stable paycheck and numerous benefits, which will be hard to give up, but it is time that I grow up and stand on my own two feet. Well, I think that I have ranted enough, I hope everybody out there had a great sober weekend. Take care.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Day 13

Today has been a nice slow day at work, not one patient, which is a rare occurrence, but one I will take. I was able to catch up on a little work, but mostly I just did a little surfing. Also, I have been getting some really encouraging comments, thanks again everyone. I will also be going to my second meeting on Friday, which I am looking forward too. And I have been talking to my sponsor everyday which has been great. Not to mention I look forward to checking my blog everyday to see what comments that I might have received. It just motivates me to continue writing, and it keeps me honest, because the last thing I want to do is write that I had a relapse. Well, I have to keep this entry brief because I am off to the gym to workout and then I have to play and help ref the intramural volleyball league that I am involved in. It is a lot of fun, but sometimes I don't get home till late, like tonight. If you are reading this I hope you had a great sober day.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Day 12

Well, I am closing in on two weeks without a drink and I have never felt better. Except of course the looming legal issues that I will have to face, but I will just have to take responsibility for my actions and move on with my life. It's funny, but the more I think about how I used to be the more I realize how messed up my priorities truly were.

The last 13 years have really been just one giant party for me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mean that it has been all fun and games, far from it. I just mean that I was always constantly looking for the next party. During the week all I could think about was where I was going to go drinking and with whom, and how many woman I could hook up with. I am 30 years old thinking and acting like a damn college frat boy!! How pathetic. So, now with this new life of sobriety that I have discovered I have decided to focus my energies on more useful endeavours.

I have always enjoyed working out and sports, so why not combine the two and make a career out of it? I have decided that if the Army doesn't kick me out that gives me a little over two years to get prepared and take the necessary classes, so that when I do get out I will be ready to start this new journey. And hopefully, maybe one day, I could even become affiliated with a pro sports team and help to train them. Who knows? Anything is possible. Anyway just something that I have been thinking about. Well, it has been a few days since I wrote about my past, so I guess I will write a little more about it now. I left off where I had just moved to Italy.

I moved to Italy when I was just entering the 8th grade. My father was still flying Chinooks and we were stationed at Aviano Air Base in northern Italy. And let me tell you, it really is true what you see in movies and TV, Italy really is one of the most beautiful countries in the world. And when I was living there everybody didn't hate Americans like they do today. We lived in a huge house about a half hour outside of base, and it was surrounded with rose bushes. I remember that vividly, because I had to mow the lawn, and the lawn was huge. Anyway, it was during this time that we started going to a local church and my mother finally got my father to attend and he became very involved. I think that he did this as a way to help save the marriage. So, during the first year everything seemed to be going great, then came Desert Storm.

If you recall, Desert Storm didn't last that long, so my father was never deployed to go to Iraq, but one of the side affects, that not too many people remember, was a mission called Operation Provide Comfort. This was where the military was sent in to provide food and medical and other kinds of assistance to all the Kurdish refugees that were living on the Iraq-Turkey border. So, my father's Chinooks were called into action. They were there for six months.

When my father left he was a little overweight, but given the heat and poor food my father came back from the deployment weighing about 30 pounds less and having a six-pack, for the first time since he was a kid. Anyway, he also came back with rumors of infidelity and he had lost his religion. This was when things really got bad between my parents. I vividly remember, The Fight, the one that ended the marriage.

My room was downstairs and down the hall from my parents, and one night I heard my dad yelling, which wasn't out of the ordinary, but I also heard my mother yelling back, which was. So, I went to see what was going on. I can't remember what was said but I do remember hearing my Dad curse at my Mom for the first time, and I remember my Mom drinking an entire bottle of wine and getting drunk. I have never seen my Mom drink before this night. She got so drunk that she started running down the road barefoot to get away from my Dad, and I had to go get her and make her come home. I don't really remember much else, I think that the details of that night will probably never resurface. The next week my brother and I moved out to an apartment with my Dad, in the heart of downtown Aviano.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Day 10

Well, it is now day 10 and I feel great. I just want to thank everybody again who commented, you all have no idea how much it means to me.

So, I went to my first AA meeting on Friday, and it was a really good experience. I had no reason to be nervous. It was a noon meeting so there were only 10 of us all together, and all of them were really nice. And it's funny because my notion of an alcoholic was completely different from what I saw. There were a eclectic mix of people. Proving that you just never know. A few of them kind of told their stories, they didn't really go into details, but they said enough to let me know just how much AA has changed their life. A couple of people offered to be my sponsor, and I actually called one of them an hour after the meeting and he suggested that we meet. So, he met me at the mall that I was at, and for the first time I actually talked about everything with somebody face to face. And it felt really good. Then I went off and enjoyed the rest of the weekend, and didn't even think about drinking.

Well, I hope everybody out there had a great weekend as well, and I look forward to my next meeting, and staying sober.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Day Eight

Well, a week has come and gone. And I want to thank all of you who commented. It really is nice to know that there are people out there like me, and it helps to keep me accountable. Anyway, last night I had my first craving. I only work Monday-Thursday, so Thursday night is really like a Friday night for me. And since I don't have to get up at 530 for PT, I really felt like having a drink, but I quickly quashed that desire and just popped in a movie and had a couple brownies and a cold glass of milk. Then I went to bed around 11, probably the earliest I have gone to bed on a Thursday in a long time, and when I woke up this morning I felt great.

So, I am off to my first AA meeting at noon, I still am a little nervous, but I'll get over it. On another note. I really enjoy working out. I go to the gym almost everyday, but I have always been a little overweight, and I never understood why I couldn't seem to get rid of my belly and small spare tire. So, I thought that if I switched to vodka and diet 7up then I am drinking almost zero calories. Never mind the fact that I was drinking half a bottle of vodka at one sitting, and converting all that alcohol into sugar. Just another way that I have been deluding myself. Then yesterday I got on the scale and I have lost nearly 10 pounds in just the last week, by only working out like I normally do, minus the alcohol. And just so you know, I work in the medical field as a laboratory technologist, so I tend to find changes to my body interesting. And, it might sound gross, but I have noticed that I am now having regular bowel movements and my stool is solid all the time, instead of every once in a while. Well after that little tidbit, it is time for me to hop in the shower and get ready to go. I live at a remote base so it is about an hour drive to the closest meeting, then I am off to spend the weekend with the girl that I am dating. So, I will let you know how my meeting went on Sunday. I hope anyone who reads this has a great and sober weekend. Take Care.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Day Seven

So, another day has past. It is amazing how I used to think that I needed a drink just to help me go to sleep. Now, around 10 I can hardly keep my eyes open, so I turn off the TV and get into bed and read my book and about 15 minutes later I am drifting off. And then the dreams!! I can't remember having such vivid dreams. It's great. Another interesting thing was I tried a cigarette yesterday, and it was disgusting. It's funny but without a drink in my hand the smoking has lost all its appeal.

Anyway, I am still waiting for word as to what my fate will be, as far as the Army is concerned. The waiting is the worst. I know that a career is probably out of the question for me, which is fine because I have never lived in one place for more than a few years my entire life, and I am ready to settle down. The only thing I hope for is that I am able to tell the Colonel about this new life that I have discovered and the fact that I have finally come to terms with my drinking problem, before she makes a decision. And hopefully, she will let me finish out my obligation with honor, and let me use the resources that the military has to help people like me. I can only hope. The military is all I have ever known, unfortunately it is not the same as when I was growing up, and the things that I have seen has caused me to lose faith. I can only hope that through this ordeal and the big shit sandwich that I am going to have to eat, that some of that faith can be restored. And that the Army can take care of, instead of abandon, one of its own. Anyway, no sense languishing over something that I cannot control.

Well, tomorrow I am going to my first AA meeting. I am excited and scared. I have a hard time opening up to people that I know, so having to talk to people about my most personal issues kind of scares the crap out of me. And then it is off to spend the weekend with a girl that I am dating. She really cares about me, and I am really beginning to care about her, but I don't know how she will react to what has happened to me, and I don't know how to tell her. She isn't a big drinker, which helps, and I told her that I was going to stop drinking for a while, but I didn't tell her why or that I planned on not drinking for the rest of my life. So, I guess I just need to grow a pair and tell her, and whatever happens happens. Anyway, I didn't continue about my story yesterday so I guess I will get back to it today. If you are reading this I just want you to know that I am recounting my life story, not for entertainment, but because I think that I have left so many memories buried and it is time for me to face them and put them out there in all their glory for everybody to see. And that maybe that will help me come to terms with who I truly am.

Anyway, I left off in Hawaii, when I started smoking. I was in the 7th grade and after school, me and a kid from the neighborhood would go out skating. Well my friend's father smoked so sometimes we would steal some smokes. I didn't really enjoy it, nor did I do it that often, but I think that it sowed the seeds to my future addiction. During this time I also really got into to surfing and volleyball, but especially volleyball, which is extremely popular in Hawaii. Not to mention the fact that it is probably the one sport that I truly excelled at. Also, during this time my mother really wanted to foster a child. I don't think that my Dad really wanted to but he went along with it. So, my brother Steven, who is pretty much full-blooded Hawaiian moved in. He was only 8 years old, and had bounced around from home to home until he made it to ours. His real parents were junkies who made him and his 7 brothers and sisters live literally on the beach, until they were taken away from them. Me and Steven got along great, he was a natural athlete, and fearless. So, skating came real natural to him, along with just about every sport he played. Things were going so well that my Mom thought it would be a good idea to have Steven's real sister move in as well, Christina. Her and my real sister hit it off as well. Me and my real sister, Crystal, didn't really get along that well when we were young, so to have someone else of the same gender to play with was great. It was soon thereafter, when we were getting ready to move again, that my parents decided to adopt Steven and Christina. So after the adoption, we were off to Italy. Sounds kind of like a great childhood so far right? Yea well, I haven't gotten to the bad parts yet, which I will leave for another time. But just a little foreshadowing here, Italy doesn't really have a drinking age.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Day Six

I have completed yet another day of not drinking. I haven't had the cravings yet, but that could just be because it is still so soon after my DUI. Although, I just realized that this is probably the longest that I have gone without a drink since I went to Afghanistan over a year ago. But that is a story for another time. I also haven't had a cigarette since either. I am now sleeping through the night with no problem, the first few nights were really rough. I am also dreaming again, which is something that I don't remember doing when I would drink before bed. I used to think that a bottle of wine was just my form of Ambien. The first couple of days after the event I was so stressed about what was going to happen to me that I could hardly sleep at all. But then I realized that whatever the Army does to me couldn't compare to the destructive force that is alcohol and the potential that it has to destroy me.

It is an odd feeling to be completely disgusted with oneself, and yet totally overjoyed with the fact that you have finally admitted to yourself who you truly are. For the first time since I was a kid I feel alive and full of hope at what my life can be. Alcohol has devoured the last 13 years of my life and I refuse to let it have anymore!!

So now I am 30 years old and I feel like my adult life is just beginning. Which is fine, because at least now I will remember everything!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Day Five

Well, day four of sobriety has come and gone. I wish that I could say that it is easy. I guess that I should elaborate. On April 18th I had my second DUI in two years. Talk about a wake up call! The thing that was different about this one was that I don't really remember what happened at all. And the stupid thing was that I could have walked home, if I wasn't so drunk that I thought, 'What are the chances of getting pulled over, when I live less than a mile away?', pretty freakin' dumb!! I guess during the first DUI, I didn't think that I was that drunk, I remember everything, so in my mind I didn't think that I had a problem. I just thought that I got caught! Oh well, what are the odds of it happening again? Complete and utter denial. This second one scared the crap out of me. Not to mention I am still waiting to see what the consequences are going to be. I can just pray that the Army doesn't kick me out and that I can have the opportunity to seek help because I don't think I can do it on my own. In fact, I am going to go to my first AA meeting on Fri. This will probably be one of the most difficult things that I will ever do. I am a proud man, and for me to admit to myself that I have a drinking problem is probably the most significant thing that has ever happened to me. And regardless of the consequences as far as the Army is concerned, I think that when the cop pulled me over he inadvertently saved my life. Maybe not that night, I probably would have made it home with no problem, but some other night when I would have crawled back behind the wheel and possibly killed myself and taken someone else's life with me. Anyway, I guess I should get back to what I was talking about previously. So, after my Dad returned from Korea, we were off to Hawaii.
I remember having to take a military "Hop" to get there, probably to save a bit of money. We were loaded onto a C5 military transport plane, there were what seemed to my child's eyes, cargo up to the ceiling, and the seats consisted of cargo netting attached to the sides of the plane, with all the cargo piled in front of us. There were no windows, which to a 10 year old is a little freaky, and the men's bathroom, ( I can't speak of the women's, but I imagine that it wasn't much better) had funnels attached by strings to the ceiling, and hoses attached to the funnels that went wherever they went. And that was what we used for urinals. I have no idea, nor do I want to know what the toilets were like. So, other than the horrible bathrooms, the inedible box lunches that they handed out, and the fact that it was so loud you couldn't possibly sleep, not to mention that the cargo netting seats were so uncomfortable that you couldn't sleep even if you wanted to, the flight was great. I mean how could it not have been? I was going to Hawaii!!
We flew into Barber's Point Naval Station, on the south, or leeward, side of Oahu. This was where my father's Chinook squadron was stationed. My day's in Hawaii were a blur really, we were there for three year's. At first we lived on the base and I went to Barber's Point Elementary school, which was a great school. I will always remember my PE teacher, Mr. Yokohama, who always told me to 'Follow your shot', during basketball, because I would almost always miss. I remember going to the principle's office for the first time because I asked a kid in my class to stand back to back with me to see who was taller, and then I pulled his pants down in front of everybody. I remember losing my best friend, and his family to person that was driving while high on weed. How ironic. I haven't thought about him in years. But mostly I remember sitting in Mr Cox's class and watching the Challenger taking off, and then seeing it explode. This was especially significant to me and our community, because one of the astronauts, Ellison Onizuka, was related in some way to one of the teachers at my school.
Shortly after my sixth grade year my parents bought a house just off base. And I started to attend a private christian school, because my mom didn't want me going to public school. During this time we were attending a local church, but my father did not. And I think the fact that I went to a private christian school irked my Dad a little. It was during this time that I began to notice the cracks in my parent's marriage. Also during this time I started skateboarding alot and hanging out with some of the wrong kids in the neighborhood. This was when I started my first addiction. Cigarettes. In the 7th grade!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Day Four

OK, so this is the first time that I have ever blogged or written about my life, but I am hoping that it will be cathartic in some way. My writing skills may not be what they once were but I will try my best. As for the title of this post being 'Day Four', that is because this is officially my fourth day of being sober. It may not sound like much, but to me, it means everything. However, I feel like I should probably start from the beginning.

I was born into the military, in San Jose, back in 1977. My mother is a beautiful half- European/half-Mexican woman, born in Utah but raised in San Jose, and she is also an extremely religious woman. My father, on the other hand, was born and raised in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and is mostly Irish(which some would say contributes to my drinking problem) with a little English sprinkled in. My father was, and still is, very not religious, but I'll get to that later. Most people would probably expect me to say now how my parents were abusive, but that just was not the case. My parents loved and still do love me and my sister very much, and except for the occasional spanking with the leather belt, we were not abused in any way. Even though my father always did threaten to get the belt with the meat hooks in them, which of course, he never did produce. And my mother liked to spank me with a wooden spoon, until I learned that if I flexed my butt at just the right time I could break the spoon in half. I thought it was hilarious, my mother, not so much.
My parents met when my father was working as a mechanic for the Army, stationed at Ft Ord. I don't really know much about their early days or their romance that led up to the marriage, I have a feeling that it wouldn't be a very good subject to bring up. All I know is that less than a year later I was born. Shortly thereafter, we were stationed at Ft Bliss in El Paso, Texas. Or maybe I should just say we were living in Mexico. I don't really remember much from those times, although my sister was born there, I learned to ride a bike, and I was bit badly by a neighbor's dog. I also remember seeing my first solar eclipse and I saw the hatching of the cicadas, which only hatch once every 17 years. For some reason those are the memories that stuck with me from my time there. Maybe the rest has been erased by all my years of partying. Who knows? Maybe through the course of writing this I will regain some of those lost memories.
Anyway, while we were in Texas, my father applied for and was accepted to the Army's Warrant Officer Candidate School. We then moved to Ft. Rucker, Alabama. By this time I was in first grade, I don't really remember much about this time either, because we were only there for a year while my father completed flight school. Although, I do remember how red the dirt was and how it stained everything, and how I was made to sing 'All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth', in the school Christmas play. Which I think has made me nervous in front of large groups ever since.
After this brief time in Alabama my father got stationed in Korea, which is a one year tour but you cannot bring your family with you, so, we moved in with my Nonie, my father's mother in Cambridge. Again, this was another brief stay, only a year, and my memories from this time include living in the snow for the first time and having to walk what seemed like miles to get to school, but when you are in the second and third grade how much can you remember? After my father's tour in Korea, we were off to Hawaii. This is probably the best part of my childhood that I can remember. But, I will leave that for tomorrow.