Day 26

Today is a beautiful day, as far as the weather goes, which is rare where I live. I wish that I could say that I feel like it is a beautiful day. Yesterday I received my letter from the Colonel of my base taking away my on base driving privileges, which is something that I was expecting, but is also going to be a great inconvenience. On post isn't so bad. I can walk everywhere. The reason that it is going to be so inconvenient is because I live 50 miles from the nearest town and nearest AA meeting, and about 100 miles from where my girlfriend lives, and so I am either going to have to get two people to help me out by one driving my car out the gate and someone following to give that person a ride back in. Or, I am going to have to park my car outside the gate and have someone just give me a ride to my car. Now the second choice doesn't seem so bad until you factor in that my car is brand new, as in 2008 brand new, and I payed cash for it. It's mine. And then you have to factor in the weather. I live in the high desert of Utah. As in 4500 feet altitude desert. The winters suck, and the summers aren't a whole lot better, what with regular 50 mph surface winds and dirt and debris, that can scour the paint off of cars. So because of this I went to ask the Colonel if I could have restricted driving privileges, which is my right, in order to attend to the meetings and other work related driving. However, when I went to speak with him I ran into the Installation Sergeant Major.

Now, I know the SGM, we have even had quite a few drinks together. He is a good old boy from Alabama, he loves his NASCAR and Bud lite, and he was the last person I thought would treat me the way that he did yesterday.

He pulled me into his office along with my NCO and proceeded to to rip me a new one. He didn't yell. He didn't have to. First, he outright denied my request, before I even said a word. Then he asked me what the hell I was thinking. So, I told him that I honestly don't remember what I was thinking, I don't remember leaving the bar or getting into my car. The only dim recollections I have of that night were seeing lights in my rear view mirror and my NCO picking me up from jail. Everything else, complete black out. And then I told him that this was what scared the crap out of me and made me finally realize that I have a problem and that I really need help. And that I am actively seeking that help, by writing in this blog and AA and speaking with my sponsor on almost a daily basis. I am saying all of this with tears running down my face but still trying to keep my military bearing. And it was then that I encountered my first, and I sure it won't be my last, aspect of discrimination(maybe that is too strong of a word, but it is how I felt), or stigma associated with being an admitted alcoholic.

He looked at me and said that years ago his best friend died because of a drunk driver, and I totally understand, I can just imagine what it must feel like. And that even though he thought it was good that I admitted I have a problem, if it were up to him he would kick me out of the Army in a heart beat. Never mind the fact that I have never received any treatment in the past and that I am actively seeking help now. He would rather just have done with me instead of trying to help. Never mind the fact that he drinks all the time and even though he is married with kids, they live back home in Alabama, he is constantly hitting on women, be they married or single. And he wants to pass judgement on me. I have never had someone look and talk to me like that before. He made me feel like an absolute piece of s#!%. He just couldn't understand how I could have made the same mistake twice. But I guess if you are not afflicted with this disease, you just can't understand it's hold over you.

And so for the rest of the day and into this morning I felt like crap. Then when I was in the shower this morning I was thinking about it again, and I don't know why but a thought popped into my head....I don't remember the last time I prayed. So for some reason, I got down on my knees,(in the shower!!)and prayed. I asked for help and guidance in all of the things that I am going through. And afterward, I felt like this weight just lifted off my shoulders. I realized that I can't control what is going to happen to me, so it is pointless to stress over it. All I can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst, and have faith that no matter what happens at least I am sober and moving forward.

In closing I want to again thank all of you who have given me encouragement. In one of my previous posts I complained about how the meetings I have gone to have been depressing. So, today I was looking up stories about recovery, and I came across the story of George Moorman, who received his Doctorate from the University of Kentucky. If you are reading this you should check out his story. Take Care and have a great sober day.