Day 34

The weather where I live is crazy. Yesterday it was in the high 80's and sunny. Today it is in the 40's, windy and raining. I swear I have never lived anyplace where the weather is so unpredictable. What really sucks is that I was supposed to go camping this weekend, but the bad weather is supposed to continue for the next week, so that trip is up in the air. Oh well, at least it's not snowing. Anyway except for the weather it is just another sober day for me. I talked to my sponsor yesterday and we are going to try to get together for a meeting either on Thursday or Friday, depending on our schedules. I would like to go to the same one that I went to last Friday, but we'll see. Also tonight is my volleyball championship game. It could actually be two if we lose the first game, because it is a double elimination tournament, and we are the only team that hasn't lost a game yet.

Also it is Memorial Day weekend coming up, and what is so ironic, is that I am in the Army and I don't feel patriotic at all. I tell everybody that I joined the army, at 26 years old, because I wanted to do my part. But through this time of new self discovery and finally being brutally honest with myself, I realize that that is a absolute total lie.

I joined the Army because my life of drinking and partying had left me with no viable job skills or prospects, not to mention the huge amount of student loan debt that I had accrued. And because I thought that it was the only thing that I could do that would win my father's approval. And that maybe for once in my life my Dad would be proud of me. And so when I went to talk to the recruiter he said that they could offer me a $10,000 signing bonus and pay off my student loans which amounted to $33,000. So I signed with no hesitation.

Now don't get me wrong, when I say that I don't feel patriotic, I only mean that I don't feel that way right now. I love my country. The things I have done and seen, be it here in the states or in Germany, where I helped unload 2-3 bus loads of wounded soldiers that were arriving EVERYDAY, or in Afghanistan, have made me very proud to be an American soldier. And I don't regret joining the Army at all. It has taught me a great many things as far as discipline and responsibility. But when it comes to everyday life in the Army, life can really suck. Every aspect of your life is not your own. Do you know what the term GI means? It means Government Issue, meaning you are property of the US government. For example, one of my SGTs came into work today, on his day off, and caught one guy I work with watching a movie at his desk, so he brought all of us into the conference room and proceeded to chew us all out. Now I know that he shouldn't be watching movies at work, but you don't understand how slow it is at this clinic. We may get five patients a day. There is usually nothing to do. Why do you think I am able to blog at work. But this SFC, who is about to retire and disappears almost everyday for hours at a time, is going to chew everybody out for slacking off at work when he is the biggest offender? What ever happened to leading from the front. It would be different if leadership like this doesn't happen that often, but every duty station I have been to there are always people like this. And just because of their rank you have do do whatever they say, no matter how much of a douchebag they are. I mean I can't even go outside of a 250 mile radius on a weekend without filling out a form and asking permission from my Colonel. I could go on and on, but I think I am starting to sound like an jerk right now so I guess I should probably shut up. I know people will probably read this and think that I knew what I was getting into, so shut up and deal with it. And I totally agree, but these feeling have been building up, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about my personal feelings, so I write it here in my blog. These are MY feelings and if this is how I choose to deal with them then that is also My business. Sorry if there are an veterans out there that I might have offended. Maybe I am just feeling this way because there is a good chance that the Army will be kicking me out. And by feeling this way maybe it will make it easier if they do. I don't know, I am not a psychologist, but it makes sense I guess.

I just wish that I wasn't in this situation. I wish that I hadn't been so drunk that I don't even remember getting into my car. I wish that I hadn't pissed away the last 10 years of my life. I wish that I never took that first drink at 14 years old. I wish that I could win the lottery. But no matter how much I wish none of those will ever come true. Although you never know, I could win the lottery. But there is no point in wishing for what might have been. All I can wish for is that I lead a happy and productive life from here on out, and there is really no point in wishing for it, I just have to make it happen, and be thankful that I am sober today. I wish all of you out there a happy sober day as well. Take Care.