Day 29

Well I am off to a meeting with my sponsor where I am going to collect my 30 day chip. I know it is a day early, but I won't be able to go to a meeting tomorrow. Then we are going to go out to lunch where we are going to go over step one. I wrote down an inventory of my drinking and it really amazes me just how much alcohol I have drank through the years and how I really didn't seem to have any control of my drinking or how I just didn't have any desire to change. I guess I just had to truly hit bottom before I could open my eyes. Then I am going to hang out with my girlfriend for the rest of the weekend. We are going to go miniature golfing with her sister and husband and their son and just generally do sober stuff. On a weekend. Can you believe it?!! Normally I would only be looking forward to the bars. Anyway I hope you all have a safe and sober weekend. Take Care.

Day 27

Just three more days!!

Anyway, I am feeling a little better today. Still no word from my command, the waiting is killing me. Although lately I have been feeling like maybe it will be better if they just kicked me out of the Army. Then I can just move to Sacramento and be close to my family and go back to school and continue to progress in my new life. Although then the cat will be out of the bag about my alcoholism. Can't exactly hide getting booted from the military, and then of course it will follow me for the rest of my life. Fortunatly both my DUI's happened on a military post, so they shouldn't affect my insurance, because I will have not been officially convicted of a crime. At least that is what happened with my first one, because we are punished under Article 15, non-judical punishment. Of course my first one happened in Germany, so maybe that had something to do with it. Who know's. Well, I am going to take advantage of my time while I can.

Friday, I am going to go to a meeting in Salt Lake with my sponsor and collect my 30 day chip. It will really only be day 29, but I won't be able to make it to a meeting on Sat, and I want that chip. This has been the longest I have gone without a drink since Afghanistan, and the longest I have gone with out a smoke and a drink since Basic Training. Then after the meeting we are going to go out to lunch and go over my !st step assignment that he has me writing. Taking an inventory of my drinking over the years. It should be quite eye opening I'm sure. Then I will be spending the rest of the weekend with my girlfriend. We are going to go miniature golfing and maybe see a movie and do sober stuff. Thank god she doesnt really ever drink. One of the advantages of dating someone that lives in Utah. I haven't told her about AA yet but I think that when I do she will be supportive. Anyway, almost time to leave work. I got a volleyball game tonight, so wish me luck. I am only one of two people on our team that is any good, so you never know what might happen. I hope you had a sober day. Take Care.

Day 26

Today is a beautiful day, as far as the weather goes, which is rare where I live. I wish that I could say that I feel like it is a beautiful day. Yesterday I received my letter from the Colonel of my base taking away my on base driving privileges, which is something that I was expecting, but is also going to be a great inconvenience. On post isn't so bad. I can walk everywhere. The reason that it is going to be so inconvenient is because I live 50 miles from the nearest town and nearest AA meeting, and about 100 miles from where my girlfriend lives, and so I am either going to have to get two people to help me out by one driving my car out the gate and someone following to give that person a ride back in. Or, I am going to have to park my car outside the gate and have someone just give me a ride to my car. Now the second choice doesn't seem so bad until you factor in that my car is brand new, as in 2008 brand new, and I payed cash for it. It's mine. And then you have to factor in the weather. I live in the high desert of Utah. As in 4500 feet altitude desert. The winters suck, and the summers aren't a whole lot better, what with regular 50 mph surface winds and dirt and debris, that can scour the paint off of cars. So because of this I went to ask the Colonel if I could have restricted driving privileges, which is my right, in order to attend to the meetings and other work related driving. However, when I went to speak with him I ran into the Installation Sergeant Major.

Now, I know the SGM, we have even had quite a few drinks together. He is a good old boy from Alabama, he loves his NASCAR and Bud lite, and he was the last person I thought would treat me the way that he did yesterday.

He pulled me into his office along with my NCO and proceeded to to rip me a new one. He didn't yell. He didn't have to. First, he outright denied my request, before I even said a word. Then he asked me what the hell I was thinking. So, I told him that I honestly don't remember what I was thinking, I don't remember leaving the bar or getting into my car. The only dim recollections I have of that night were seeing lights in my rear view mirror and my NCO picking me up from jail. Everything else, complete black out. And then I told him that this was what scared the crap out of me and made me finally realize that I have a problem and that I really need help. And that I am actively seeking that help, by writing in this blog and AA and speaking with my sponsor on almost a daily basis. I am saying all of this with tears running down my face but still trying to keep my military bearing. And it was then that I encountered my first, and I sure it won't be my last, aspect of discrimination(maybe that is too strong of a word, but it is how I felt), or stigma associated with being an admitted alcoholic.

He looked at me and said that years ago his best friend died because of a drunk driver, and I totally understand, I can just imagine what it must feel like. And that even though he thought it was good that I admitted I have a problem, if it were up to him he would kick me out of the Army in a heart beat. Never mind the fact that I have never received any treatment in the past and that I am actively seeking help now. He would rather just have done with me instead of trying to help. Never mind the fact that he drinks all the time and even though he is married with kids, they live back home in Alabama, he is constantly hitting on women, be they married or single. And he wants to pass judgement on me. I have never had someone look and talk to me like that before. He made me feel like an absolute piece of s#!%. He just couldn't understand how I could have made the same mistake twice. But I guess if you are not afflicted with this disease, you just can't understand it's hold over you.

And so for the rest of the day and into this morning I felt like crap. Then when I was in the shower this morning I was thinking about it again, and I don't know why but a thought popped into my head....I don't remember the last time I prayed. So for some reason, I got down on my knees,(in the shower!!)and prayed. I asked for help and guidance in all of the things that I am going through. And afterward, I felt like this weight just lifted off my shoulders. I realized that I can't control what is going to happen to me, so it is pointless to stress over it. All I can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst, and have faith that no matter what happens at least I am sober and moving forward.

In closing I want to again thank all of you who have given me encouragement. In one of my previous posts I complained about how the meetings I have gone to have been depressing. So, today I was looking up stories about recovery, and I came across the story of George Moorman, who received his Doctorate from the University of Kentucky. If you are reading this you should check out his story. Take Care and have a great sober day.

Day 25

Well, it has been almost a month, and I can't wait to have my first birthday later this week. Last week as really busy at work and I played alot of volleyball and I took advantage of the nice weather and did a little bit of golfing. Then this weekend my girlfriend came over and we just hung out and watched movies and the NBA playoffs. So, needless to say, that is why I haven't posted in a week. But here I am and I am happy to report that I am still sober, and the most interesting thing is I still haven't had a cigarette yet either. I think I have finally broken that habit as well. In fact, I work with a smoker and when he comes in from his smoke breaks, the smell is horrible. And then I realize that I used to smell the same way, and now I understand how all the other non-smokers feel about it. It really does amaze me how easy it has been to quit, without a drink in my hand it just isn't the same. And I now realize that alcohol wasn't just destroying my life, but with the combination of smoking and the drinking it was destroying my body as well. And the fact that I work in the medical field and I have been turning a blind eye to my own health is just a testament to the power that this disease has had over me all these years. In fact, this really hit home yesterday, because a guy that I work with had a heart attack.

First of all this guy is a couple of years younger than me, and he is Mormon so he has never had a drink or a smoke in his entire life. Now granted, he isn't in the best shape, but neither am I and I have been smoking and drinking for over ten years. So if he could have a heart attack, what are the chances of me having one? Pretty high I bet. Just another reason that I am happy that this whole situation has happened to me, hopefully by me quitting I have added a bunch of years to my life. Now lets just hope that I do something meaningful with what I have left.

I was watching a movie this weekend and there was a funeral scene and there were all these people saying things and reminiscing about the person that passed and you could tell that the person was a really great individual and he had left a great legacy behind. And as I was watching it, I remembered other movies where the person died and there was only one person there, or none at all. And I began to wonder, if I were to die today, which funeral would mine look like? I know that it is a bit morbid, but when I did an honest inventory of my life, I really think that my funeral would more resemble the second one I described. I mean I know that my immediate family would be there and possibly my two best friends, but probably no one else. And I thought that that is not the legacy that I want to leave behind. I would like to be remembered. And now that I have finally lifted out of the fog of Alcoholism I am determined to make something of myself and hopefully I will be a positive influence on other people. Even if it is only one person. I just want my life to mean something. And with the help of others, be they from AA or family or all of you reading this, hopefully I can attain some of the dreams and aspirations that I have for myself, and not descend back into the fog. Because I know that it is a road best not travelled alone because eventually I will need someone to help out with the driving.

Well, I need to get back to work now. I hope all of you had a great sober weekend. Take care.

Day 18

Well two weeks has come and gone, I can't wait to see one month. I had company all weekend so I didn't get a chance to post at all, but here I am. It was a nice relaxing weekend, my girlfriend came out and we just hung out and watched a bunch of movies. Although I did go to my second meeting on Friday, and except for two guys, it was a completely different group of people. There were a few birthdays, two had their 6 month and one had their 18 month birthday, which was good to see. But I do have one thing to say. Are all AA meetings so depressing? I mean I understand that everybody has gone through trials and tribulations in order to reach a place to go to AA, but I would like to hear some stories of triumph, you know, some uplifting stories. Maybe I am out of line, but hopefully I will hear something that gives me hope the next time I go. I have been reading the Big Book, and so far it is a very interesting read, I hope to gain as much as I can from it.

I still haven't gotten any word as to when I am going to be officially punished for my DUI, I am hoping it will be this week so I can just get it over with. The most they can give me is 45 days of extra duty, so the sooner the better, because I was planning on visiting my family for the 4th of July. Which brings me to another point, all these past years of partying and drinking, I have always wanted to move to San Diego. I have always said that because of the weather and the fact that it is a beautiful place to live, both of which are true, but the real reason is because my two best friends live there and it would be so much fun to be able to party with them all the time. However, now my priorities have changed. I am sick of always moving and always being so far away from family. I hate the fact that I am not able to watch my little 10 year old sister grow up. I want to be able to meet up with my other sister for dinner on a moments notice. I hate spending holidays by myself. It is amazing how I was more interested in spending time drinking with friends then being with my family, how alcohol made me totally lose sight of everything that truly matters in my life. No More!

I know that my father will not be happy that I want to get out of the military when my commitment is up, but I think he will understand. Even though I have screwed up because of my drinking, it doesn't change the fact that I still served my country and I am a good soldier. I think anybody that I have served with would agree with me. The Army has taught me a great many things; discipline, how to be on time, respect, physical fitness, and many other things, however they didn't teach me how to deal with this demon of alcoholism. Don't get me wrong, the military preaches against the dangers of alcohol, but it is still part of the lifestyle among the soldiers. It is very much a way of life. In fact my NCO even invited me over to his house on Friday for poker night, knowing that I just had a DUI, and when I said no because they were going to be drinking and smoking, he didn't understand why I couldn't go and just not partake. So I tried to explain to him that just by being around it is too much of a temptation for me right now. Hopefully one day I will be able to be around alcohol and it not be an issue, but it is just too soon for me now. And so, if I were to stay in, everyplace that I move to in the future I will have to deal with that. But if I am living near my family I will have a solid support group by my side. On the other hand, the military offers a stable paycheck and numerous benefits, which will be hard to give up, but it is time that I grow up and stand on my own two feet. Well, I think that I have ranted enough, I hope everybody out there had a great sober weekend. Take care.

Day 13

Today has been a nice slow day at work, not one patient, which is a rare occurrence, but one I will take. I was able to catch up on a little work, but mostly I just did a little surfing. Also, I have been getting some really encouraging comments, thanks again everyone. I will also be going to my second meeting on Friday, which I am looking forward too. And I have been talking to my sponsor everyday which has been great. Not to mention I look forward to checking my blog everyday to see what comments that I might have received. It just motivates me to continue writing, and it keeps me honest, because the last thing I want to do is write that I had a relapse. Well, I have to keep this entry brief because I am off to the gym to workout and then I have to play and help ref the intramural volleyball league that I am involved in. It is a lot of fun, but sometimes I don't get home till late, like tonight. If you are reading this I hope you had a great sober day.

Day 12

Well, I am closing in on two weeks without a drink and I have never felt better. Except of course the looming legal issues that I will have to face, but I will just have to take responsibility for my actions and move on with my life. It's funny, but the more I think about how I used to be the more I realize how messed up my priorities truly were.

The last 13 years have really been just one giant party for me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mean that it has been all fun and games, far from it. I just mean that I was always constantly looking for the next party. During the week all I could think about was where I was going to go drinking and with whom, and how many woman I could hook up with. I am 30 years old thinking and acting like a damn college frat boy!! How pathetic. So, now with this new life of sobriety that I have discovered I have decided to focus my energies on more useful endeavours.

I have always enjoyed working out and sports, so why not combine the two and make a career out of it? I have decided that if the Army doesn't kick me out that gives me a little over two years to get prepared and take the necessary classes, so that when I do get out I will be ready to start this new journey. And hopefully, maybe one day, I could even become affiliated with a pro sports team and help to train them. Who knows? Anything is possible. Anyway just something that I have been thinking about. Well, it has been a few days since I wrote about my past, so I guess I will write a little more about it now. I left off where I had just moved to Italy.

I moved to Italy when I was just entering the 8th grade. My father was still flying Chinooks and we were stationed at Aviano Air Base in northern Italy. And let me tell you, it really is true what you see in movies and TV, Italy really is one of the most beautiful countries in the world. And when I was living there everybody didn't hate Americans like they do today. We lived in a huge house about a half hour outside of base, and it was surrounded with rose bushes. I remember that vividly, because I had to mow the lawn, and the lawn was huge. Anyway, it was during this time that we started going to a local church and my mother finally got my father to attend and he became very involved. I think that he did this as a way to help save the marriage. So, during the first year everything seemed to be going great, then came Desert Storm.

If you recall, Desert Storm didn't last that long, so my father was never deployed to go to Iraq, but one of the side affects, that not too many people remember, was a mission called Operation Provide Comfort. This was where the military was sent in to provide food and medical and other kinds of assistance to all the Kurdish refugees that were living on the Iraq-Turkey border. So, my father's Chinooks were called into action. They were there for six months.

When my father left he was a little overweight, but given the heat and poor food my father came back from the deployment weighing about 30 pounds less and having a six-pack, for the first time since he was a kid. Anyway, he also came back with rumors of infidelity and he had lost his religion. This was when things really got bad between my parents. I vividly remember, The Fight, the one that ended the marriage.

My room was downstairs and down the hall from my parents, and one night I heard my dad yelling, which wasn't out of the ordinary, but I also heard my mother yelling back, which was. So, I went to see what was going on. I can't remember what was said but I do remember hearing my Dad curse at my Mom for the first time, and I remember my Mom drinking an entire bottle of wine and getting drunk. I have never seen my Mom drink before this night. She got so drunk that she started running down the road barefoot to get away from my Dad, and I had to go get her and make her come home. I don't really remember much else, I think that the details of that night will probably never resurface. The next week my brother and I moved out to an apartment with my Dad, in the heart of downtown Aviano.